Finished all my college apps! FINALLY! All those essays took for effing ever.

Just in case your wondering, I applied to:

(in order of most desirable to least)

University of Texas at Austin

University of Houston

Texas Christian University

University of North Texas

Baylor University

Stephen F. Austin University

Houston Baptist University

It's just a relief to finally be done. UT is my top choice but I think I would be just as happy at UofH.

We'll see what happens...

Song of the Day:

Successful - Drake ft. Trey Songz

I think it's about time I posted something again. Especially since a crapload of stuff happened the past two weeks.

GPA/Class Ranking - I officially hate bellaire high school. The competetiveness of this school drives me crazy. After all that hard work and all those AP classes I'm still not in the top half of my class. How sad is that?But whatever. I'm over it. I gave up my dream of UT, and I'm settling with UofH. It's still a pretty good school and even though its still in Houston I'll just make sure I live in the dorms. And at least I don't have to write anymore college essays.

SAT - I know I got a better score this time. For one, I actually had a calculator. haha. As long as I get above an 1800, I'll be happy.

Cancer - My best friends boyfriend has cancer. I never really liked him very much but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. She called me yesterday, bawling over the phone, and I had no idea what to say to her. What do you say to comfort someone when the topic is cancer? I'm 17. I've never dealt with anything as big as that, and really don't want to. Thankfully, my mom took the phone and saved the day, but she's still pretty upset. She's had a really hard life and it seems like its just constantly getting worse. And this guy isn't deserving of her at all. She has confidence issues and I know she can do so much better, so she settled. Now, she truly loves this guy, even though he's incredibly jealous and overprotective, and I've been telling her to leave him, but what can I really say about that now. How can she leave the guy when he has cancer? This has just sucked her in even more. I wish I could do something other that say how crappy he is, because it's making me feel crappy that I'm talking shit about a guy with cancer, but I just want her to have a guy that doesn't have so much drama circling around him all the time. I wish she could just get a break.

ACT - Ugghhh. This stupid test is so much effing harder than everyone says. I don't wanna talk about it.

Region Choir Auditions - I got # 17. The top 15 make it to Pre-Area. Last year I got 16. Iseriously wanted to cry. So much time and work and heart and soul I put into that music, but I still wasn't good enough. In my eyes, I failed myself. This guy who I despise got higher than me, and I know he's gonna say something about it, get his last dig in. Life is unfair, I know, but you would think it would cut you a free pass sometimes. I'm not really mad that he made higher than me. I'm mad because I know I could've, should've done better. I know that I deserved it more, that I worked twice as hard as he did. And after all that time and work, he still did better that me. I don't know but it just seems like I'm always in someone else's shadow. When's it gonna be my time? When is it my turn to be the best at something? When can I be great? But I guess there are better things out there for me. These results aren't gonna get me down. I won't let them.

So that was me venting.

“Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will.” - Paper Towns, John Green

Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will. The sky is almost never that crystal blue color without a cloud in the sky. That super deluxe pizza you've been looking foward to all day isn't gonna taste as good as you think it will. After you finally got that incredible toy, the toy, you will be content. Not. That movie you heard was so good and amazing is gonna let you down. That girl across the room isn't the person who your imagination has built her up to be. And when you finally snap out your daydream and try to fufill your dreams, nothing is ever as good as you imagined, and even if you attain it, nothing even comes close to your expectations, to your imaginings.

Expectations are not good goals to have. Does that make sense? They place the bar so high to the point where its impossible to jump over. Expectations are our hopes and dreams, but when we get what we want, when they start playing out in front of our eyes, we realize that this isn't what you wanted at all, that this isn't all you wanted it to be, all you imagined it would be. You thought it would be more. More snap, more crackle, more pop, more umph... more dreaming. Just more. But nothing and no one can live up to these pretend expectations that we have built up in our heads. Nothing can truly make us happy. We always look to what's next.

To expect is to lose. To lose is to be lost. Lost in imagination... maybe? Imagining a better future, a better life. But when we get to that point, it's not what we expected it to be. It was all imagination, just pretend.  

Imagining is dreaming. Dreaming is thinking up the impossible, the crazy, the strange, perfection. After having this image made up in our head, nothing is good enough. Our expectations are too large, too broad, too perfect, too unnattainable. We set impossible bars to cross and goals to reach, praying that everything will go our way, that luck is on our side, that we'll be different that all the other people who thought the exact same thing. We reach for the moon, thinking we'll at least land among the stars, but instead come crashing back down to earth, to reality.

Life is a let down.   

When you learn to quit dreaming, you can truly be happy. I only wish I could take my own advice.